The 55 Concepts: Self Help Article Series
by: Michael Cavallaro
Conflict and Confrontation
When these words come up in people's lives they often brings up anxiety. People misunderstand what conflict and confrontation actually are about. We will define them as the following:
Conflict: an incompatibility, a state of opposition/difference of feelings or opinions, a disagreement or argument, go against
Confront: be face to face with, deal with head on, present somebody with something, to face something or someone
For the most part people think of conflict and confrontation as aggressive and hostile behaviors. They tend to either shy away from them or bullishly move forward into them to protect themselves. This comes from the great misunderstanding of what these two words actually mean and what they are about.
People who shy away from conflict and confrontation are often fearful of the repercussions of standing up for themselves. They also may feel they have no right to express themselves or their opinions. There is also often the fear of having to feel someone's wrath because you do not agree with them.
For example you are in a discussion with your spouse about where you are going to go on vacation. You know that your spouse wants to go somewhere other than where you want to go. You may figure that if you say where you really want to go and that you don't want to go where he or she does a fight will ensue. You may also know that you commonly get the cold shoulder or are greeted differently when you disagree. So rather than express your feelings you keep quiet so as not have to feel the wrath of your spouse or deal with the cold shoulder or mean attitude you might receive because you have a different opinion.
People who moved bullishly forward commonly believe that if they don't push their way through they won't get what they want. This is often done regardless of the repercussions. These people are so concerned with either getting what they want or trying to avoid not getting what they don’t want that they don't care about the repercussions or wrath of the other person. If the other person gets aggressive they will just get more aggressive and wreak their own wrath upon the other person until someone gives in, hopefully the other person. This is just the contest of aggression and will which all too commonly is perceived of as strength. The truth of the matter is this is just being a bully because you are afraid you won't be heard, your opinion won't be valued or you won't get your way.
Both of these attitudes leave no room for a solution because each believes that their own solution and outcome is the only or best one.
Conflict is merely when two differing opinions or ideas meet at the same place. It is a difference of opinion. It is as simple as “I disagree with you”. When you understand that this is all that conflict is, then there is no need to fear it or to become aggressive and bully your way into getting what you want.
Confrontation is simply coming face to face with or presenting a situation to someone. It is bringing a situation to light and not keeping your feelings or the fact that there is a conflict a secret. Confrontation is exposing secrets so that problems or conflicts may be resolved.
It isn't so much about conflict or confrontation as it is about you and what you believe will happen if you have a differing opinion. These attitudes are fear and bully oriented and do not leave room for you to express who you are or allow the other person to express who they are. Though this can be done without there having to be a winner or loser. There can be, ‘This time it is my turn and next time it is yours’ or ‘Maybe we can agree on something that has a little of what both of us are wanting.’ True confrontation is solution oriented.
Next time you're in conflict with someone and are feeling anxious or the need to be aggressive ask yourself these questions.
- Why do I feel anxious or the need to be aggressive?
- What is it that I believe will happen if I say what I feel?
- How can I make this work for everyone?
Beneath the surface of conflict and confrontation anxiety there are belief systems and attitudes at work. When you discover and re-program your belief systems so that they are not fear or of aggression oriented you will find that conflict and confrontation will turn into cooperation and mutual respect. Everyone has a right to express what they want or what they feel, even if another person does not agree. If you are solution oriented you will be able to express yourself and find an answer that works for everyone at that time.
By not saying what you feel and shying away from conflict and confrontation you deny your own inner voice and the right to be who you are. This is the abandonment of self. By being a bully or aggressive you deny the right of others to be who they are. In doing so you create an air of disrespect of yourself by the fact that you disrespect others.
Respect and honoring others even if you do not agree with them is an act of kindness. Using conflict as a marker for your own growth and confrontation as a way to make change is reaching for the highest quality of the meaning of the words conflict and confrontation.
© Michael Cavallaro 2010